The Truth
Alone, awake, as I administer ample amounts of apples and artichokes, atop an armchair, amidst an assessment of every and all, an awful understanding overtook every ounce of my awareness, my associates and alezzmets. It was as I recalled the lecture on em an en dashes that this knowledge occurred to me. Much the same as the celebration occurring on the eve of the thirty first night of Spooktober is in reality a veil set forth by those in power to inject the masses with an unhealthy and habitual craving for glucose and violence, the 2018 Fall Non-fiction writing class is in reality a veil meant to inject unto myself my true purpose. As Dr. Majerus explained the intricacies of aforementioned literary devices, my head was positively turning over why something so menial existed, and what purpose possibly served the seemingly pointless names "em" and "en" dashes. It was at this exact moment that everything clicked into place. Suddenly I understood the entirety of the Non-fiction writing class. You may even find this impactful moment relatable; perhaps you may be able to utilize this information yourself. I'm procrastinating though ("delay or postpone action; put off doing something"), I see a storm brewing on the horizon if I don't get to the point soon, so here it is.
The names em and en dash are in reality not meant to give meaning to a form of punctuation, but names set in place to direct me to the letters "N" and "M" and if we follow those letters back one more, we reach the oh so magnificent "L", the key piece in this great mystery. The letter "L," and more specifically, the cursive letter "L" is essentially a swing of the pencil, similar to the swing of a spider, or perhaps even a Spider-Man. Recall now the ostensibly pointless blog post created by yours truly just weeks prior. While I myself found the majority of said blog post pointless and dumb, there was a key takeaway that seemed to draw the most attention from the few readers that journeyed all the way to the end. And here it is my dear alezzmetz, my purpose and summary derived from Non-Fiction Writing is thus; to proselytize the importance of drinking LaCroix.
Certainly you will see how it all makes sense. The letter L has no greater use than in the spelling of the magical LaCroix. A more mellifluously named beverage does not exist, this I assure you. And does a more accurate, more brilliant definition of the personal essay exist? The sparkling liquid is subtle enough that every individual may discern a meaning slightly different from every other person. Yet, there is beauty in this simplicity. Like the personal essay, LaCroix is refreshing, a shift from the norm, and no matter the flavor, there is always something beautiful, and so unique. In fact, LaCroix as a being embodies everything that encompasses non-fiction. Misunderstood, and underappreciated, yet undeniably incredible. So this is my message with my final blog post of the semester: Embrace all we have learned in Non-Fic, and drink LaCroix.
Thank You,
Michael
The names em and en dash are in reality not meant to give meaning to a form of punctuation, but names set in place to direct me to the letters "N" and "M" and if we follow those letters back one more, we reach the oh so magnificent "L", the key piece in this great mystery. The letter "L," and more specifically, the cursive letter "L" is essentially a swing of the pencil, similar to the swing of a spider, or perhaps even a Spider-Man. Recall now the ostensibly pointless blog post created by yours truly just weeks prior. While I myself found the majority of said blog post pointless and dumb, there was a key takeaway that seemed to draw the most attention from the few readers that journeyed all the way to the end. And here it is my dear alezzmetz, my purpose and summary derived from Non-Fiction Writing is thus; to proselytize the importance of drinking LaCroix.
Certainly you will see how it all makes sense. The letter L has no greater use than in the spelling of the magical LaCroix. A more mellifluously named beverage does not exist, this I assure you. And does a more accurate, more brilliant definition of the personal essay exist? The sparkling liquid is subtle enough that every individual may discern a meaning slightly different from every other person. Yet, there is beauty in this simplicity. Like the personal essay, LaCroix is refreshing, a shift from the norm, and no matter the flavor, there is always something beautiful, and so unique. In fact, LaCroix as a being embodies everything that encompasses non-fiction. Misunderstood, and underappreciated, yet undeniably incredible. So this is my message with my final blog post of the semester: Embrace all we have learned in Non-Fic, and drink LaCroix.
Thank You,
Michael
what the fuck
ReplyDeleteI don't appreciate your metaphor. Truthfully, LaCroix may be similar to a piece of writing in that in either case, it has both good and bad responses. However, LaCroix isn't quite a piece of work- a personal essay comes with an emotional rawness which makes it evoke a different reaction in every single reader, meanwhile Lacroix's bubbly sensation only evokes my gag reflex.
Nice post tho
LaCroix is just one massive FU to God. There isn't enough flavor in it so it tastes like half-assed lemon water and the bubbles do nothing but make it more uncomfortable to drink. either drink water or soda, but the only people who want to drink some abominable mixture of the two is some kinda tasteless, vegan bacon eating, ukelele playing, sandal wearing, hoola-hooping, drum circle chanting, jean shorting, dreadlocks hairing, sprite cranberry drinking hippie.
ReplyDeleteNice post tho
Oh my god Michael why are you trolling in your blog posts now. Seriously though don't listen to the haters La Croix is an amazing drink. Even though DJ called it urine I think it tastes fine. It's like water--but spicy. It's kind of boring to drink water and soda is unhealthy, so I think La Croix is a perfect medium. Keep up the good work drinking La Croix.
ReplyDeletei love me some spicy water
DeleteSo, LaCroix is Nonfiction-Writing? I would like to contest this assessment of the drink and the class, but I find that taking this action is quite beyond me, because I haven't the faintest clue of what you're on about. This post isn't even stream-of-consciousness; it's stream-of-craziness, which is not necessarily a bad thing, though one can be mislead into thinking you are comparing Dr. Majerus's class to LaCroix, which is one of the worst insults I could imagine. If I were her, I would be inclined to sue for defamation.
ReplyDeleteI didn't expect you to take this post in that direction, and I can say I'm happy with the result. LeCriox is just not a good drink. Honestly it's in insult to other drinks. In summary: you're wrong.
ReplyDeleteIt's actually LaCroix, not LeCroix, the "La" comes from the name of the city of origin, LaCrosse Wisconsin, with the "Croix" coming from the St. Croix river between Wisconsin and Minnesota.
DeleteHonest to God, Michael, I tried to like you. But then you go and write posts like this and I remember all the minutes I used thinking about how to become your friend--and frankly, I'm disappointed in you. You were so smart, so friendly, the kindest bear at the rodeo, and now look at you, advocating for La--. It's sick. Your tasteful and articulate alliteration can't even save your soul from the sins of this post. Nor, too, can your Spidey references make your post more relatable. I hope your happy drinking what can only be classified as carbonated spit.
ReplyDeleteI had a good feeling about you when you told me you also had a rubber duck collection. I heard you loved coffee. Your blog posts are super interesting. I thought, "hey Michael and i, we could be buds." But then there's this love for a sizzling liquid that doesn't even have a resemblance of flavor in it, so now I just don't know :(
ReplyDeleteWow! I had no idea Nonfiction Writing had anything to do with La Croix! I'm perplexed. I don't even know what La Croix taste like! What was I doing this whole semester? Instead of writing essays and blog posts, I should've drank La Croix :(
ReplyDeleteAlso, I admire your confidence to correct Mariano in the comments above me (it's not LeCriox!).