SPOOKtober!!!

The super spooky month of "SPOOKtober" is upon us!!! How exciting! Ghastly ghouls, ghosts, and goblins galore. This months a big'un, I'll tell you what. Nothing like the coming of the cool winter air to make us all realize how much we hate going outside, not to mention the surfacing, seemingly out of thin air, the horde of snot-nosed sniveling second graders stampeding through the streets, slinging saliva from Sicily to Cincinnati. But c'mon my friends, we're tip tapping around the big cheese, as they say, the 3rd best holiday of them all, the indisputable spookiest day of the year, the silly splendid summoner of serendipity; Spooktober 31st! Or as we in the know call it, Halloween.

Gee willikers, where do I even start with this one? When I read that Halloween was only number three on the definitive, completely final, unquestionably undeniable list of greatest holidays of all time, I almost hip hopped out of my seat! "Oh my, so many memories," as they say. That's for sure! I remember this one time, (I was dressed all up fancy in my clown costume) whilst walking along the spooky scary Spooktober streets, candy all jumpin' and dancing in my itty bitty nine year old stomach. When suddenly (most likely resulting from the noxious odors emitted from the sweaty rubber clown mask melding into my face) I literally vomited, mid stride, like right into my face. It was gross. And oh Nelly, let me tell you what, if you think candy tastes good going in... whenever Halloween comes around, I find it hard to get the taste out of my mouth.

And here's something I bet you didn't know, Spooktober 31st is the number one day in the country on two super duper groovy statistics. Not only does the special day boast an incredibly high abduction rate, but it also is the day of the most pedestrian accidents across the whole gosh darn nation! Wicked right? Nothing like the fear of getting hit by cars -or being unwillingly shoved in one- to encourage us to spend more time together. Isn't that what holidays are all about anyway, being together?

The leading cause of childhood obesity is, interestingly enough, not the Big Macs, or Taco Supreme's, but sugar! Which is why I love how Halloween gives us the opportunity to just fill our little rascals with all kinds of sweet goodness. And you know the funniest part, they may even believe us when we tell them it's okay to give yourself one night of uninhibited junk food consumption, as if we don't realize that we buy enough Halloween candy to sustain ourselves through a small ice age. So now, not only are we filling the little goofy goobers with the leading cause of childhood obesity, diabetes, and heart disease, but we're reinforcing bad habits when they're nice and young, so innocent, so vulnerable, so easy to manipulate...

Well gosh heckin' darn, I think I've said about all there is to be said. Spooktober is the time my friends. A real grandiose occasion for all aficionados of abduction, accidents, and the destruction of the youth...

Just kidding, Spooktober is a stupid moniker, and Halloween is a garbage holiday.

Comments

  1. MarianoOctober 29, 2018 at 8:44 AM

    I've always believed that Halloween is overrated, and this really gives me moore reason to despise the holiday. I will say, however, that I will cherish my childhood memories of Halloween, but I also lack good habits. Thank you for enlightening my life with spooktober facts and I wish you a safe halloween.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Henry D'AngeloOctober 29, 2018 at 12:20 PM

    bruh

    Wrong. Halloween is defo third AT LEAST. I really liked your alliteration and sarcasm. But you're in the wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  3. samOctober 31, 2018 at 12:47 PM

    this was one of the most fun things to read with all the absurd colloquialisms until that last sentence how dare you. may your bones be brittle and weak from lack of calcium and may all your candy be disgusting Good n' Plenty.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HenryNovember 8, 2018 at 12:16 PM

      You stop that, Good n' Plenty is delicious and you know it.

      Delete
  4. CocoaNovember 1, 2018 at 10:25 AM

    This has such a powerful voice in both energy and uncensored aggression that no one asked for. Even though I personally love Halloween, I do agree with you that those groovy statistics are not great, but I feel like you're ignoring a big part of Halloween: the costumes! That's the best thing about this holiday is getting to dress as weird as you want and put on a character for the whole day! I feel like you're experiencing Halloween all wrong buddy.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Matthew JinNovember 8, 2018 at 9:11 AM

    I don't like Halloween either, and I liked how you made me want to stay disliking Halloween. Highest abduction rates? Parents should always supervise their children when they go knocking on strangers' doors. I love candy and sugar, but Halloween can be just too much sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  6. HenryNovember 8, 2018 at 12:15 PM

    Halloween is a good holiday at its core. Sure, it leads to all kinds of problems, but we can solve those problems without stopping halloween.
    Your post was really fun to read, especially with all the alliteration and silly phrases.
    Also, the fact that you threw up in your mask is your fault. Who just goes and buys a shitty rubber mask and calls it a costume? Where's your creativity?

    ReplyDelete
  7. DJNovember 11, 2018 at 8:28 PM

    You're very right. Halloween isn't that fun. The more I reflect on Halloween, the more worthless the actual holiday part is. I remember when I was a kid. We used to scurry from house to house to try to get as much candy as possible. It wasn't really until about 5 years ago that I realized that I never ate the candy I got. However, I realized the point of halloween was spending time with my friends. Perhaps the most vivid memories I have from Halloween is gathering around my friend's TV and watching the World Series that night with all my friends. Those will be the memories I will cherish forever.

    ReplyDelete

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